After managing to score only 12 points this week against Cleveland, the news out of Middleton, a suburb of Cincinnati, is that the Bengals have recently signed unknown Michelle Allen to a 10-day contract. Bengals’ owner Mike Brown said of the acquisition, “Ms. Allen just really fits the character profile of our team after her recent newsworthy incident. Once we heard of what went down, we knew she could add some utter explosiveness to this squad.” Not surprisingly, head coach Marvin Lewis was unavailable for comment. The specific terms of the contract have not been released.
We love the movie Office Space. How can you not? And the performance at the end of the half this past weekend by the now-fired Lane Kiffin screamed Office Space! to us. So, the main character in Office Space, Peter Gibbons, gets hypnotized and never gets snapped out of it. He starts to not worry about keeping his job at Initech, and basically lives his life the way he wants to - circumstances be damned. In carrying out this lifestyle, there’s a great montage where he knocks down a wall of his cubicle so he can see out the window and comes into work mid-day only so he can clean a fish on his desk.
Well, this past Sunday, we’re pretty sure Lane Kiffin was cleaning the proverbial fish on his proverbial desk. Up 15-0at home on the Chargers, Kiffin’s team had the ball at their own 36 with about 30 seconds left. JeMarcus Russell completes a pass over the middle for 6 yards to the 42. The Raiders have one timeout left, but Kiffin holds on to it. He doesn’t urge his team to get up to the line and run one more quick play either. Of course, everyone assumes, then, he will let the clock run out and be happy with a 15-point lead.
Then, with 1 second left, Kiffin calls timeout. OK, fine - it’s well known how strong Russell’s arm is. On last Hail Mary heave, right? This is about the time when Lane Kiffin brings in the wet, slimy trout on his desk and pulls out the filet knife. Kiffin sends out the field goal unit so Sebastian Janikowski can attempt a 76 yard field goal. That’s right, 76 yards. The longest made in the NFL ever is 63. Even Kim Jung-Il has never claimed to have made a 76-yard field goal.
Janikowski’s kick comes up woefully shirt, not even reaching the goal line. Of course, then the Raiders have to try to tackle Antonio Cromartie, who last season ran back a failed long field goal attempt for a touchdown. They did manage to keep Cromartie out of the end zone (it would have been awesome if Kiffin ran out to make the tackle!).
Click here to watch those final 20 seconds.
We can only imagine that Al Davis sat up in his box, watching Janikowski trot onto the field, and said, “Ummmmm, yeah, I’m gonna need us to tell Lane not to come in this week, mmmmm-kay?”
Unfortunately for Kiffin, it looks like this week Al Davis had a case of the Mondays. If only he had worn more flare!
While we know we’re supposed to complain on this site, sometimes a writer impresses us enough to give him the ol’ tip of the cap. Usually it’s Dan Wetzel. But this time around, it’s Minneapolis Star Tribune writer Jim Souhan.
In the press conference following the game, Minnesota Vikings’ coach Brad Childress made the following statement: “We talked about George Orwell and the field full of diamonds. That the diamonds were right here in the room, a guy didn’t have to sell his farm and go to a foreign land to look for diamonds when they were right there in the stream in his back yard. It took George Orwell to write that. I’m sure you could look that up.”
And guess what Souhan did? He took a journey that very few journalists these days take - he actually researched the quote. Then discovered that Childress was full of crap. (Souhan did not spend as much time as we would have trying to figure out what the hell that quote means to a football team anyway.)
Great work, Jim Souhan. Not only did you take that extra step that sports writers often neglect, but you were paid off getting to0 call out Childress for lying his butt off.
We recommend clicking here to read the entirety of what Souhan had to say. Good stuff!
From our pal, Kevin, a huge Cubs fan. This is copied and pasted directly from the email he sent:
A Lilly Train leaves third base at 8:15 p.m. EST traveling directly toward home. If the train will be tagged out anyway, what is the appropriate course of action?
Lilly (with momentum) > Molina
We can recall turning the TV on Wimbledon a few years back during a rain delay. The fans were bored in their seats waiting for tennis to resume, and they started one of the cooler waves we have seen at a sporting event. It went on for quite a while, not losing steam - and it entertained the crowd while they waited for the matches to restart.
Last night, we saw one of the uncoolest waves we have ever seen. Here’s the setting: top of the 8th inning at Fenway Park; Red Sox trail the Rays in the standings by 1.5 games; this game is tied 1-1 and the Rays have runners on 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. In the 8th inning remember. And what are the fans of Fenway doing? The Wave!
According to the ultimate source of reliable information (Wikipedia): “Today, the wave is generally seen during a lull in the action on the sports field, as spectators seek to amuse themselves to fend off boredom.” We would whole-heartedly agree with this. But do you know what certainly does not constitute a lull in the action??? A tie game in the 8th when the home team is fighting for a play-off spot!
Now, a wave performed when the 85-loss Mariners are tied witht he 75-loss Royals - sure. But not in a playoff race. Seriously, that had to be one of the lamest moves ever by a Boston crowd. The only moment in Fenway more lame than that was Jimmy Fallon and Drew Berrymore getting on the field to celebrate the World Series win as part of their “Fever Pitch” movie.
The aura of Fenway just took a big step backwards in our view last night. Poor form, guys!
Here’s one…
What has 4 legs and could only lead the team to 0 net rushing yards on Saturday?
The Clemson backfield!!! (Formerly known as “thunder and lightning.”)
In light of Alex Rodriguez’s boooo-tiful performance last night against the Red Sox (0-5, 2 double plays), we started thinking about the least clutch performers of all time. You know, your anti-Jordan or anti-Woods. If you were given the choice, you would probably take Craig Counsell at the plate with the game on the line over A-Rod.
In an effort to remind A-Rod that he has company (since he for sure reads this blog) and amuse ourselves, we bring the you the Top 10 Chokers in Sports… Read the rest of this entry »
If there was a line out there on what topic would so inspire to get back to posting, we assume Brett Favre would have beeen a Big Brown type favorite. And rightfully so. While browsing the sports pages today, we came to find out that even the AP has a love affair with ol’ Brett. We thought it was just ESPN, but apparently his heroism knows no bounds. Here’s the entirety of a short article from the AP (we have bolded and italicized out favortie part)…
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. — Brett Favre said his rocket right arm feels “fatigued” — but not sore — during a break from his fifth day of practice with the New York Jets. Read the rest of this entry »