Tiger Woods’ agent has released a statement that Woods will be speaking to a small group about his recent actions and his future on Friday.  While the statement read that Tiger would be delivering his comments at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse, our inside source has informed us that Jerry Jones has offered Tiger $50 million to meet with the small group at the new Cowboys Stadium.

“We could set the record for largest attendance ever for a private apology from a philandering golfer,” Jones told our source.

We’ll keep you posted on how this pans out for Jerry.

Another Matthew Dukes production.  This time it’s topical.

By now, you have likely heard the story of The Covenant School defeating Dallas Academy 100-0 in a girls high school basketball game last week.  If not, you can check here for the story, including Covenant’s request to forfeit the game since dropping 100 on a team is clearly not what Jesus would have done.

In the article, one of the parents of the losing team stated that the players handled things well, but that “spectators and an assistant coach were cheering wildly as their team edged closer to 100 points.”  We wonder who that assistant coach was, who would cheer for his team - while pitching a shutout - to make it to 100 points.

But alas, we have 3 guesses…

(1) Florida coach Urban Meyer (likely not him, though, as there was no mention of Covenant calling a timeout with 45 seconds to play);

(2)  Former Houston Cougars’ quarterback David Klingler (well known for this proud display); or

(3) Coach Harris from “Revenge of the Nerds.”

We posted something a while back about the lady in Green Bay who stole her daughter’s identity and tried out for the cheerleading squad.  You can click here for our take on that piece of news.

Well, turns out that Ms. Brown is going away for a bit.  Back in September, she was committed to making the cheerleading team at Ashwaubenon High School.  After her court appearance, she’s now just committed.  That’s right, Ms. Wendy Brown will get to spend the next 3 years in a mental health facility.  Check here for that story.

Do mental health institutions field sports teams?

We have it on good authority that the weather was used merely as a cover-up to stop Game 5 of the World Series in the 6th inning.  Apparently, the famous tenor Ronan Tynan was slated to sing “God Bless America” during the 7th inning stretch, much like he does in Yankee Stadium, only he was nowhere to be found.  That is, until late last night when Tynan was discovered passed out on the curb next to Geno’s Steaks with Cheez-Whiz all over his white starched shirt.

As it turns out, owner Joe Vento’s love for American and the English language sparked this incident, as he promised Tynan a free cheese steak every time he sang “God Bless America” in front of the shop.  The situation could have been much worse for Tynan, had it not taken him 3 minutes and 54 seconds to get through the song each time.

With the situation now under control, Game 5 is set to resume in the bottom of the 6th inning later tonight.

One of our writers here recently checked his email and found an open letter from PETA in it, urging his support. The letter was in response to this recent event in the Aleutian Islands. We felt obliged to pass the letter along here on the CIV blog…

Dear Sir or Madam,

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I’d like to bring to your attention an incident that is of grave concern to us. Recently, the Kasatochi Volcano in the central Aleutian Islands of Alaska erupted unexpectedly. This thoughtless and heartless volcano managed to, as the news report put it, turn a “small green island rich with seabirds and ocean mammals into a sterile gray lump.”

We will not stand for this, and neither should you.

PETA will not stand by and watch seemingly inactive volcanoes erupt without a moments notice and kill helpless animals. In this unnecessary and violent eruption, tens of thousands of fledgling auklets and petrels perished in their rocky nests and the bird habitat of the island was completely destroyed. This situation is entirely different - and far more gut-wrenching - from the Mount Vesuvius eruption back in A.D. 79, as mainly humans were killed in that event. These are animals we are talking about here!

We are asking you to join us in boycotting the Aleutian Islands and other volcanoes across the world. Take a stand against these heartless and cowardly eruptions that are killing all varieties of animals with no concern for the animal’s well being. Think about that poor auklet, who was one day sitting on a rocky cliff and then was destroyed needlessly by that volcano. These volcanoes cannot be allowed to continue to wreak this havoc on animals across the globe.

We ask you to please join us picketing at the following volcanoes at the following times:

–9:00 a.m. on Monday, October13, on Adak Island in the Aleutians near the Kasatochi Volcano.

–12:00 p.m. on Tuesday, October 14, at the base of Mount Ranier in Washington state.

–10:00 a.m. on Wednesday, October 15, at Mauna Loa in Hawaii.

–10:00 a.m. on Thursday, Ocotber 16, at Mauna Loa in Hawaii. (Note: we are picketing at two different times since this is the largest volcano on earth, where our voice can best be heard).

–2:00 p.m. on Friday, October 17, at Mount Merapi in Indonesia.

We will be handing out buttons that read, “Hell no! You can’t blow!” at each of these rallies. Please join us and show your support for these animals. And help us show these volcanoes that we will not stand for their thoughtless eruptions.

Sincerely,

Janey Walton — Assistant to the Traveling Secretary

Two things had to happen to make this post possible. The first, we watched “Superbad” on dvd just last week (not the first time to see it). Second, we caught a re-run of ESPN’s coverage of the 2008 World Series of Poker last night. One of the poker players we saw play many a hand was one Adam Schoenfeld. The commentators discussed how Schoenfeld had played in many World Series events through his career but had yet to cash (we won’t give away his fate in the WSOP).

Oddly enough, the one thing they failed to mention is that Schoenfeld absolutely has to be related to McLovin. Right?

Adam Schoendfeld and McLovin

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It’s been a long hard road, but we’ve finally made it. That’s right, we are now on to the finals of the

“Most Imposing Eyebrows of All Time” tournament. And really, we are not the least bit surprised by the two finalists.

Without further ado, here they are… Read the rest of this entry »