After managing to score only 12 points this week against Cleveland, the news out of Middleton, a suburb of Cincinnati, is that the Bengals have recently signed unknown Michelle Allen to a 10-day contract. Bengals’ owner Mike Brown said of the acquisition, “Ms. Allen just really fits the character profile of our team after her recent newsworthy incident. Once we heard of what went down, we knew she could add some utter explosiveness to this squad.” Not surprisingly, head coach Marvin Lewis was unavailable for comment. The specific terms of the contract have not been released.
We love the movie Office Space. How can you not? And the performance at the end of the half this past weekend by the now-fired Lane Kiffin screamed Office Space! to us. So, the main character in Office Space, Peter Gibbons, gets hypnotized and never gets snapped out of it. He starts to not worry about keeping his job at Initech, and basically lives his life the way he wants to - circumstances be damned. In carrying out this lifestyle, there’s a great montage where he knocks down a wall of his cubicle so he can see out the window and comes into work mid-day only so he can clean a fish on his desk.
Well, this past Sunday, we’re pretty sure Lane Kiffin was cleaning the proverbial fish on his proverbial desk. Up 15-0at home on the Chargers, Kiffin’s team had the ball at their own 36 with about 30 seconds left. JeMarcus Russell completes a pass over the middle for 6 yards to the 42. The Raiders have one timeout left, but Kiffin holds on to it. He doesn’t urge his team to get up to the line and run one more quick play either. Of course, everyone assumes, then, he will let the clock run out and be happy with a 15-point lead.
Then, with 1 second left, Kiffin calls timeout. OK, fine - it’s well known how strong Russell’s arm is. On last Hail Mary heave, right? This is about the time when Lane Kiffin brings in the wet, slimy trout on his desk and pulls out the filet knife. Kiffin sends out the field goal unit so Sebastian Janikowski can attempt a 76 yard field goal. That’s right, 76 yards. The longest made in the NFL ever is 63. Even Kim Jung-Il has never claimed to have made a 76-yard field goal.
Janikowski’s kick comes up woefully shirt, not even reaching the goal line. Of course, then the Raiders have to try to tackle Antonio Cromartie, who last season ran back a failed long field goal attempt for a touchdown. They did manage to keep Cromartie out of the end zone (it would have been awesome if Kiffin ran out to make the tackle!).
Click here to watch those final 20 seconds.
We can only imagine that Al Davis sat up in his box, watching Janikowski trot onto the field, and said, “Ummmmm, yeah, I’m gonna need us to tell Lane not to come in this week, mmmmm-kay?”
Unfortunately for Kiffin, it looks like this week Al Davis had a case of the Mondays. If only he had worn more flare!
A friend of ours passed along this photo and caption. It was too good to not make the cut for a post…
Untying your opponents’ shoes is just the latest defensive strategy sweeping the SEC. It all started last year when Georgia’s defense began secretly placing “Kick Me” signs on their opponents’ backs. Now, teams around the conference are busy formulating their own genius defensive plans. For instance, an inside source at Alabama, who asked to remain anonymous due to the highly sensitive nature of the team’s new strategies, stated that the Tide’s plans include farting on opponents’ heads, telling various Mom jokes, and giving smurf bites.
We here at CIV developed a Roll of Honor a while back to honor those people in sports who “read” our blog and then act accordingly. Already, NBA commissioner David Stern has the made the cut, as well as NBC Executives and Mississippi journalist Parrish Alford. But today, we are adding a new member to the role of honor… ESPN college football writer Mark Schlabach.
Congratulations, Mark!
See, on Tuesday, we wrote a post on this blog about why USC did not deserve to be ranked number 1. About how their two wins weren’t as impressive as the talking heads seemed to think. We even used something called “logic” to prove our point. You can check out that post by clicking here.
Then, we’re browsing ESPN.com today, and what do we come across? An article from Schlabach explaining that USC maybe should not have been ranked so highly. that maybe their early wins weren’t that impressive. This, of course, comes a day after USC loss and 4 days after we wrote the exact same thing. Only we did not need USC to lose in order to realize their first two wins weren’t that great.
Seriously, did it really take USC losing for a sports writer to point out that Virginia got crushed by UConn and is a touchdown underdog to Duke???
But then again, we don’t give sports writers any credit for having a working brain. And rightfully so.
If nothing else for USC, at least they have supportive fans to help get them back on track. What? They did not even fill up the visitor section of the game in Corvallis last night? Yikes.
We have just received word that Penn State is being removed from the Big 10 Conference for football. This will take effect immediately, and Illinois’ game Saturday against the Nittany-Lions will be considered a non-conference game for Big 10 purposes.
Big 10 commissioner James Delany commented on the decision, “We looked at their stats for the season and were taken aback. Penn State has scored at least 45 points in every game this season. That’s an abomination. And that’s not Big 10 football.”
Delany went on to say that Penn State could take their 264 passing yards per game and go play in the Mountain West conference, where things like “passing” and “offense” are more acceptable. He noted that the Big 10 is built on teams like Michigan (18.7 points per game) and Ohio State (25 points per game), not some “ooptie-oop offensive” team averaging 16 more points per game than anyone else in the conference.
“When we were told that Penn State was averaging 248 more yards per game than one of our flagship schools, Michigan, we knew a change needed to be made,” Delany said. “That team was making a mockery of everything we stand for. Our games end with a 13-7 score, not some 55-14 garbage.”
A representative for Penn State said he was not sure if the Nittany-Lions would join the Mountain West conference or not.
Also, there has been no announcement as to whether the now ten team conference will change its name to reflect its membership.
You may have heard about the controversy surrounding the University of Idaho cheerleading squad and their skin-showing uniforms. If not, you can click here for the details. Basically, some folks complained that the outfits were too skimpy and the school is replacing them.
And guess what, we found out where the school has ordered the new uniforms from!
WholesomeWear! (Where else could they get them???)
We assume they went with the black and gold option, but you can check here for all the available styles.
Note: since we always try to deliver on what our “fans” want, here’s a link to a more visual article about the Idaho cheerleaders.
Legendary Georgia radio voice Larry Munson announced Monday afternoon that he had called his last game for the Bulldogs. After calling the Dawgs’ games for 43 years, Munson surprised everyone with the announcement. Many will cite health issues as the reason for Munson retiring at this particular time.
But our inside source spoke with Munson, who told him, “I called that game back in 1995, the last time Alabama won in Athens, and it was not fun. I didn’t want to have to go through that again this Saturday.”
Fair enough.
We’re about to tell you a tale with more twists and less logic than Pirates of the Caribbean 3. We doubt you’ll be able to follow, because we sure as hell can’t. Here’s how it all started - a simple glance at this week’s college football odds from Vegas. Then the flashing back began.
(1) Pre-season AP college football poll: Georgia is atop the poll and received 22 first place votes. USC checks in at no. 3 with 12 first place votes. Read the rest of this entry »